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Archives from 12/6/01 --- |
- I met this great guy through
the internet. We share pictures, chat, and talk on the phone
almost everyday. He is a really sweet guy and is totally
different than any other guy I have talked to in awhile. We want
to meet up sometime and actually meet each other. Do you think
it is safe? What type of precautions should I take first?
- Danielle, Age 18 from Pennsylvania
Meeting someone from the Internet is always risky, but you can
minimize the risk by being smart about things. For instance,
don't plan a long first meeting. Meet the first time for an hour
or so. I suggest you do lunch. Lunch dates are the safest dates,
generally. They are in the middle of the day and they are short
(in case you don't like the guy you have a great excuse to
leave). I would also suggest you pick a popular restaurant. That
way there's lots of people around. Meet him there. Don't let him
pick you up. If you like the guy, you can always see him again,
but you should keep the first meeting short and to the point.
Tell him in advance you have to be somewhere an hour or two
later. That way you won't need to make up some excuse on the
spot when it's time to go. A little planning can take you a long
way.
- The Man
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- I'm pregnant, but I don't
know which guy is the daddy. I need to tell my parents soon
because I'm going to start showing. They would freak out even
more if they knew there's more than one possible dad, so I'm not
going to tell them, meaning a test is out of the question. Would
it be terribly wrong if I just picked one (rich and hot) and
told him that it was his....??
- Robin, Age 15 from Canada
You have a bright future with Susan Smith (look her up on the
Internet). Look - you're a kid and you made a lot of poor
decisions. Don't make another big one. Poor decisions are things
we have to live with, but they aren't the end of the world. It's
time to grow the hell up and take charge of your life. You need
to tell the TRUTH. It's not hard once you start. You just need
to get it over with. What you are suggesting - about lying to
everyone - is extremely selfish because it's so harmful to
everyone else. It's only good for one person - you. Besides, if
you decide in ten years from now that you want to know who the
real father is, you'll never get to find out. No one will. Also,
if it comes out that the other boy could be the father, then
you're going to look like a liar to a whole lot of very angry
and upset people. What your suggesting is ten times worse
then what you've already done. I really want to make this
point. Getting pregnant without knowing which boy owns the other
half of this problem is one thing. Lying about the father to the
whole world is another. I think you should come clean. Do
yourself a favor and face the music right now while you know
what song the band is playing. It's going to hurt a little more
right now, but trust me on this - your decision to lie will come
back and haunt you in ways you can't imagine for the rest of
your life.
- The Man
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- A boyfriend asked me one
time if he could cum on my face. I wasn't sure why this was such
a turn on for him but I gave it a try... and he loved it. Now I
am dating a guy that I really like and I am wondering if you
think he would be turned on if I let him cum on my face. Would
he think I was a slut? I want him to like me but not disrespect
me. What do you think I should do?
- Angela from California
Excellent question. You know how kids like to emulate heroes
when they are young? They dress up like Superman or pretend they
are firemen - that kind of thing. Now, keeping that in mind,
have you ever watched a porn? I don't think there's a porn movie
out there where the guy doesn't pull out of her mouth and cum
all over her face. It's a standard maneuver. Never fails. Okay,
now that we have that understood, does it make sense why your
man likes it? It probably makes him feel like a porn star.
Besides, if you've seen a lot of porn movies, it kind of looks
fun after a while (not that I've seen a lot of porn movies.) 
So - would your new man like it? Well, that's something you'll
have to find out. I suggest you ask him if he's ever done it.
That will tell you a lot. From there you can decide if you're
into pursuing it more. If you're worried about how he'll see you
afterwards, then don't do it right away. Life is long. You don't
need to gallop off into the sunset screaming, "cum on my
face, you giant man-hog!" on the first date. Give yourself
a few months and something to ... look forward to.
- The Man
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- My boyfriend is viewing
pre-teen porn heavily... Some look like children at age 12 or
14. He views other really sick stuff too. This disturbs me. I
tried talking to him about it but he says it's a free world and
he can do what he wants. I don't know what to do. Any
suggestions?
- Sheila, Age 41 from Tennessee
Child pornography is illegal. Simply having those kinds of
pictures on your computer is grounds for prosecution in many
areas. Maybe everywhere. You should check with local law
enforcement. Furthermore, there are police organizations that
are actively seeking out people like your man who look at child
porn. This is pretty serious. It's a free country, but that
doesn't include child pornography and he's risking jail,
possibly for you both. I'd take fairly substantial steps to get
him to stop, such as getting him to seek counseling, which he
probably won't do. I'd be very concerned about this behavior. If
you do decide to give him the boot, I think you need to let him
know this was the reason.
- The Man
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- My boyfriend and I had sex
after going out for a while and after we both knew we were in
love with each other. Then he just stopped talking to me and
telling everyone he was single. He doesn't answer my calls and
he doesn't have a reason for not talking to me... What's his
problem?
- Beth, Age 20 from North Dakota
This is one of those "life experience" things.
Sometimes people feel that way after sex. They have sex with you
one time and that's it - all of a sudden they have had enough of
you. They don't want to see you. They don't want to talk to you.
They don't want to read email from you. They just don't want
anything to do with you ever again. There's nothing you can do
or say to change their mind. That's just a fact of life. It's
mildly neurotic, but it happens to lots of people. The trick is
to learn to recognize it early when it's happening. That way,
you'll save yourself a lot of time calling some guy when you
have no chance whatsoever of getting him back. The bad news is
you lose the guy, but the good news is you save yourself a lot
of aggravation and potential embarrassment.
- The Man
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- I've known this guy for about a
year. We have always liked each other but he has a girlfriend.
The other night he cheated on her with me. Does this mean he
wants to be with me?
- Marie, Age 16 from Texas
Why should that matter? You're a backstabber to his current
woman and he's a cheating bastard with you. Is that the kind of
guy you really want to be with? Is that the kind of person you
want to be? I have an idea. How about you decide what kind of
person you want to be. A good one or a bad one. Then decisions
like this will be easier to make. Then you'll know if you want
to pursue this person for a relationship.
- The Man
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- How do you know if a man
is telling the truth about how he feels about you? How can you
tell if a 16 year old male is ready for marriage?
- Crystal, Age 17 from Ohio
Kids say the darnedest things, don't they? So seriously,
Crystal, what's the rush? Marriage is serious, difficult and
long term. Why is that type of pressure necessary in your young
life right now? Don't you have enough to worry about with
homework, soccer practice, pimples, MTV's latest hit and the
prom? If he's really the right guy, then he'll stay with you
whether you have a ring or not. Wait until you're done with
college. Give yourself a chance to be more then a pregnant 17
year old housewife with no possible future. Marriage is always a
bit of a risk, but you're making it a HUGE risk because you both
are so young. I know it's fun and seems grown-up to be married,
but it's really a very immature thing to do at this age unless
you have some life or death reason. If you were really ready for
the responsibility now, you'd be smart enough to realize it's a
bad idea at your ages. There is no such thing as a 16 year old
ready for marriage in our society.
- The Man
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- I am 19 and married to the
father of my little girl. We were only married for about 3 or 4
months then we separated because of his immaturity. A month ago,
I started dating this guy and at 1st we both said we didn't want
anything serious. I never told him that I was married and now
that it looks like it's getting serious, I finally told him
about me being married. He got really mad and said he needed
time to think and decide what to do, but doesn't want to stop
seeing me. I am really confused about what that means. I really
like the guy and he said he really likes me. Is he going to
forgive me for keeping my secret or not?
- Haley, Age 19
This is a trust thing. Maybe he cares that you're still married
and maybe he doesn't. I don't think it matters. If it were me,
I'd be more concerned about the fact you were not honest with
him. All of a sudden he's probably wondering, "what else
did she 'forget' to tell me??". Trust takes a long time to
earn and an even longer time to earn back. You'll have to
wait and see on this one. You might try helping yourself out by
telling him you recognize that you have violated his trust and
that you're sorry for doing that.
- The Man
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- I am in need of some fashion
advice. I have been divorced for 2 years and have met this girl
that drives me crazy. I know she likes guys that dress nice but
I don't want to go over board or look stupid and out of place.
Do you know where I could find advice on this?
- Bob, Age 39 from Connecticut
Go pick yourself up a copy of GQ. That's what they make those
magazines for. Look at the younger fashions. Don't go overboard
(no baggy pants, okay Bob?) You'll be fine as long as you follow
"The Man's Impromptu Fashion Advice":
1. Teeth always brushed clean as a whistle before a date - and
make sure the breath situation is under control. Keep some gum
in your coat pocket for after dinner just in case. If you think
you might have bad breath, you probably do.
2. Wear respectable clothes. You can get away without the latest
fashion if you just stick to the basics: black shirt - turtle
necks are okay if it's cold, black leather coat (If you look
like Fonzi, get a different black leather coat), a nice new pair
of jeans (any color blue is fine) and some black leather shoes.
Don't skimp on anything if you don't have to. Wear nothing with
holes, nothing too old. Ask the teenager behind the counter if
she likes the shirts you're buying and take her advice if she
doesn't hesitate before answering.
3. Don't be afraid to throw a little gel in the hair. It's okay
to do that once in a while if you're going out. It's kind of
expected, actually. Not too much aftershave, okay? Some guys
really go over board.
4. Lose any and all of the following if they apply to you: NO
big gold chains, gold pinky rings, etc. You're not in the mob.
NO family stuff -take the kid's toys out of the car before the
date and forget the kid's stories until you get to know her
better. It wouldn't hurt to wash the car before you pick her up.
5. Take the condom out of your wallet. You're not 17 anymore
(kidding).
- The Man
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- Hi Answer Man. My best friend
(age 33) is a guy who has a really twisted relationship with his
girlfriend (age 26) of 3 years. He's really intelligent but
screwed up emotionally and she's worse emotionally and nowhere
near as brainy. This (among other things I'm sure) makes her
very vulnerable. He treats her pretty badly sometimes. She's so
sensitive that whenever we're out as a group, she invariably
starts crying and runs off and people always have to comfort
her. I tell her he doesn't treat her well and to dump him but
she always says "but I love him". He was never happier
than when he dumped her, but they got back together. He just
doesn't seem strong enough to do it - he says he feels sorry for
her. He always bitches about her to his friends and is
incredibly insulting to her, e.g. "Oh no - I have to have
at least 4 more beers, 'cause my girlfriend wants to have sex
tonight"... VERY Al Bundy. He doesn't seem to see that it's
much worse for them both in the long run if he lets it drag on.
He's not always a cad - in lots of ways, he's the sweetest,
nicest person I know. I think they both cover up their feelings
and fears with drugs. I really want to help them both. How?
- Helen, Age 29 from Australia
I appreciate what you're trying to do, but part of growing up
(yes, even at 29) is realizing that you're going to have to let
other people live their lives and make their own mistakes. This
is not your concern. Besides, you don't know EVERYTHING about
their relationship. I'm sure there's stuff behind closed doors
they don't tell you about. Some of it might be good. These two
may, in some mysterious way, like being with each other. Perhaps
they like being miserable? Who knows? I respect your desire to
help your friends, but you need to keep your distance for
everyone's sake. You don't want to be called a
"meddler" and they need to fix this for themselves.
- The Man
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have any idea how busy The Answer Man is???! If he doesn't have
time to answer your question, you can always get answers in the
"Ask Each Other" forums from other people just like
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- I just got married 2
months ago. My uncle and my dad walked me down the aisle.
Something happened on my wedding day that made me very
uncomfortable. We were getting pictures taken of the wedding
party outside my new in-laws' house after the ceremony. During
one picture, my uncle was to my right and while the picture was
being taken he put his hand on my ass. I didn't know what to do
so as soon as the picture was taken I stepped away from him. It
totally took me off guard. Nothing else happened that day, but
then on Thanksgiving I was having dessert and he stuck his
finger into it and licked his finger all the while looking at me
and smiling - he did that TWICE. (My husband was right there
when he did it.) I don't understand why he is doing this. He is
very well liked by our family. Plus, he was just diagnosed with
bone cancer a year ago and has 5-7 years to live. Up until my
wedding day I totally loved him and trusted him but that trust
is gone. I've also started smoking pot, a lot of it because I
can't cope and I've become extremely antisocial. My sister
called wondering if I was ok because she didn't hear from me for
2 weeks and I finally told her everything last night and swore
her to secrecy. It made me feel worse afterward. It doesn't seem
like she is taking this as seriously as I am. She did tell me to
tell my husband when I feel the time is right. There is no right
time. I'm close to tears constantly. Please tell me A-Man, am I
over-reacting or are my feelings justified? How can I move on
from this? PLEASE help me.
- Anonymous, Age 29 from Massachusetts
Look - if your uncle thought he was doing something wrong, he
would probably try to hide it. I get the impression that he's
just a little less inhibited then you'd probably like. That's
the bad news. The good news is that there's a way to handle this
and put it behind you. It's not even very hard. This is a
frontal attack situation. In other words, the way to fix this is
simple. Call the guy. Say, "hey unc, you know I love you,
but I need to talk to you about something that's a little
sensitive to me. Do you have a minute?" Saying it like that
will give him warning that it's going to be a little
uncomfortable and he'll be more receptive to your feelings. The
key is to make it seem like it's not a HUGE deal to you, but
that it's important nonetheless. That way he won't be as
embarrassed by you bringing it up. Tell him something like,
"hey, I was a tiny bit uncomfortable with you touching my
butt (don't say ass). I'm sure it was by accident but it's been
nagging at me a little so I thought I'd call you to clear the
air." You don't need to bring up any other incidents unless
he doesn't take you seriously. If he's cool about it, forget
about the other stuff. Its' not required to make your point. Get
it? If you do a good job with the "butt" thing, he
should be smart enough to apply his new 'limits' to other
situations. I think you'll feel a lot better when you talk to
him. At the very least, you'll have lifted this off your chest.
Make sure to keep this discrete - you don't want to embarrass
him with the rest of the family. Make sure your sis keeps quiet.
Best not to bring it up with her again.
- The Man
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- Dear Answer Man, my boyfriend
and I just recently lost our virginity to each other. The timing
was right and we didn't have a condom. We made sure to pull it
out so he didn't come in me, and he doesn't think he had any
pre-come. Could he feel it if he did? Is there any chance I
could be pregnant? Should I buy I pregnancy test? And it hurt
this first time, how many times will it take to make sex feel
good?
- Jennifer, Age 16 from Michigan
First of all, you can't feel
pre-cum. That's why they call it pre-cum. If you could feel it,
it would just be called cum. People get pregnant from pre-cum
all the time. Welcome to the world of "I'm not smart enough
to have sex but I do anyway". Buy a pregnancy test. Also
it's going to stop hurting so much when you turn 18.
- The Man
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- I've been going out with my
boyfriend for 6 months. We had foreplay just once though and
that was when we were both pissed. [The
Man's Note to readers: "pissed" means drunk in
Scotland.] When we talked about it later he said that I
hurt him while I was giving him a blowjob. I have no idea what I
did wrong and now I feel a bit insecure of repeating that again.
I know that you probably won't give me any instructions on doing
it the right way but can you just guide me a bit? I really need
your help, knowing that I can't really ask anyone.
- Marya, Age 22 from Scotland
I get hundreds of emails asking for advice on how to give a
proper BJ, but the irony is that they come from girls under 17.
I don't answer them because I'm not going to tell a 16 year old
how I like to get head. I know they will read this, but you're
not 16, so I'm going to give you a couple of clues:
1. Don't scrape with your teeth. OUCH!!
2. Treat it with a little respect - it's far more
fragile then you think.
- The Man
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- Point blank: I can climax by
myself but I cant during sex or oral sex... What the hell is
wrong...?
- Beth, Age 18 from Indiana
I'm not sure, but I think I can help. Swing by here Friday night
and we'll test some theories. (j/k) Lots of women are like that.
It might be because you're with the wrong guys. Some women are
just late bloomers. Some never turn the corner. Just try and
relax. Eventually it's going to happen, but you'll need to be
mellow about it. A watched pot never boils and a watched orgasm
never cums.
- The Man
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- Listen to The
Man's 10 Minute Internet Talk Show, built for your coffee break.
Click here
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- I'm a 41 year old widow
and for some reason, men aren't interested in me. I'm not real
sure how to start over after 18 years of marriage. I'm also over
weight. What's your advice to a very lonely person?
- Debby, Age 41 from Tennessee
Debby, my advice is to find some hobbies that will take you out
of the house. First you need to find stuff that you enjoy doing.
When you're in your new element having fun, there will be people
around with similar interests. Some of them will be single men
your age. Don't go to bars to meet guys unless you just want
sex, because that's the only type of guy you'll probably meet at
a bar. Men are attracted to women for sex at bars. If you want a
real relationship, then you need to find a guy that's more
interested in who you are and what you're all about. That will
happen when you have common interests and activities. I suggest
you take a few classes at your local college. Try drawing or
painting or music. Maybe you could learn how to salsa or 2-step.
Something like that.
- The Man
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- The person I am dating keeps
thinking I am cheating on her but I'm not. We have gotten in
fights over it 2 or 3 weeks in a row. I am getting pissed but I
love her. On the other hand, I can't put up with this crap.
Should I break up with her?
- Joe, Age 19 from Michigan
My last woman was irrational about this same issue. Maybe
someone cheated on her once - who knows? Anyway, the only way to
handle this is with brute force (not physical, of course - I
mean with brute force honesty). In other words, you have to tell
her that relationships are built on trust and if she can't trust
you, then you need to end things. Don't ever give in to her
jealousy because it's just going to get worse. You need to tell
her that it's unacceptable for her to freak out. Put the ball
back in her court to console your anger over her freaking out -
instead of you consoling her for freaking out. See what I mean?
I'd be upset with her for being jealous instead of letting her
be upset with me for some irrational reason. If you are going to
break up with her over this, it's better to do it before things
get too serious.
- The Man
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- I have been fooling around with
a older guy. He's 19 and I'm 16. I don't really see the age as a
problem, but I really like him and I don't know what he thinks
of our relationship. Is there something that I can ask him to
find out what he wants?
- Cassandra, Age 16 from Indiana
There is no way, other then time, to tell what he's
after. Young men will lie, cheat and steal to get sex. They will
sell their own mothers into slavery if it means they will get
sex. They will say ANYTHING they think you want to hear if they
think they will get sex. That's it. The only way to tell if they
really like you is to make them wait a really long time, like 6
or 8 months. If you decide to fool around before then, then you
have to realize that you're doing it at your own risk and he
might be using you.
- The Man
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- Hi there A-Man. My girlfriend
prefers to have sex in the ass. I'm not too sure if I'm willing
to go that far with her. Admittedly she is really great looking
and - yeah - she gives good head too, but in the ass...? I've
been thinking about just doing the 'dump the bitch' thing and
moving on but then I'd be loosing out on some good shit, pardon
the pun. Any ideas?
- Sean, Age 23 from South Africa
Yes. Here's a good idea. Fuck her in the ass. Are you nuts?
- The Man
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- Do you think inter-racial
relationships are ok?
- Courtney, Age 19
I think it's okay. Date whomever you like. Keep in mind that in
some places in the world it's still not okay. There's theory and
then there's reality. As nice as it would be if everyone
everywhere was cool about inter-racial dating, reality makes you
stop and consider that there could be problems in your life as a
result. You have to decide what you're willing to put up with.
If the problems are simple family matters, then you'll probably
win out in the long run. If the problems in your area involve
racist actions by strangers who disagree with inter-racial
dating, then you might consider NOT looking for partners of a
different race until (1) you move from the area or (2) the local
population becomes more accepting of the idea. #2 could take a
while.
- The Man
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