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--- Advice Column from Oct, 2002 ---
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Hi! What's the difference between infatuation and
love? And do you think I am to young to be in love?
Thanks!
- Allie, Age 14 from Florida
Great question, Allie. You're probably one of the more
intelligent 14 year olds to write to me. I would say
there are 2 main differences. Degree and duration. Love
would be more powerful than infatuation (if by nothing
else than definition). Secondly, love should probably
last longer than an infatuation, which to me implies
that it will end sooner than actual love. To answer your
second question - no. I don't think you're too young to
be in love. I do think you're to young to DO ANYTHING
ABOUT IT. In other words, don't go off having sex at 14
just because you think you're in love. That would be
stupid. You can be in love, but, at 14, you need to be
in love AND have a healthy respect for yourself.
- The Man
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Question
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Please give me some advice. My boyfriend of 3 years
knowingly wrote me an bad check for rent, asked for some
cash in return, and then lied about the matter. He is
going through a tough time financially and I have helped
him much over the last couple of months - and then this is
how he repays me. He lies all the time and takes money
from my wallet. Am I supposed to stick with him during
this tough time or leave him? I wanted to spend the rest
of my life with him, but this hurt me so much.
- Sheri, Age 28 from Canada
You're quickly qualifying as an idiot here, Sheri. A guy
worth keeping is loyal. This guy can't spell loyal. Having
a tough time financially is very, very different form
stealing and lying. You need to realize that this guy
deserves nothing except to be booted out on his ass. Oh
yeah, and you deserve a kick in the pants for putting up
with this. Honorable people don't do the things you've
described. People worth keeping would never even consider
doing the things you've described. Is that clear
enough?
- The Man
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Question
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How can I satisfy a man sexually without having
intercourse with him?
- Faatie, Age 29 from South Africa
Are you one of those people who answers ads in the
paper about getting rich without working? Some things in
life aren't free, kiddo. Actually there are other things
you can do to please him. I assume you're meaning you don't
want to do those either? If that's true, then you've got
an uphill battle, Faatie. Playing naked twister will only
take you so far. Good luck.
- The Man
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Question
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I am very much in love with this guy, who recently
got into some trouble with the law. He's running right
now but I know eventually he will get caught. Anyways we
recently decided to go all the way... My question is if
I know he is getting sent up for a year or two should I
go all the way with him?
- Amber, Age 18 from New Mexico
Amber, I get smart questions and I get dumb ones. This
qualifies as one of the dumbest. Let me paraphrase your
question, if you don't mind. "Dear Answer Man: I'm
a loser. I'm going to ignore ever semblance of common
sense I have because I want to have a sex with a
fugitive who's on his way to jail for being and idiot.
My question is, is it okay to ignore common sense just
because I feel like it might be fun?" Sometimes I
think it helps to paraphrase 
- The Man
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Question
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My Boyfriend is really self conscious. He thinks that
he's ugly and not good for anyone and he won't listen
too me when I say its not true. He won't go out in
public (like to the beach). I just want to know what I
can say to a him that would state the truth (that he is
hot and stuff) without sounding too dramatic. I've tried
telling him this over and over again. Please help me!
- Hannah, Age 15 from Australia
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him
drink. People have to want to change, Hannah. If your
bf would rather think he's ugly, then there's not much
you can do about it. Tell him he's ugly. Maybe
confirming it will take a load of his mind? When he
complains about your lack of compassion, tell him you'll
stop calling him ugly as soon as he stops claiming it.
- The Man
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- Do you
have any idea how busy The Answer Man is??! If he
doesn't have time to answer your question, you can
always get (and give) answers in the public forums from
people just like you. Click here if you want to check them out.
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Recently my husband's brother said he has feelings
for me and the feeling is mutual. It wasn't a sexual
thing at first but it has turned into that. We both love
our spouses very much and realize if anyone finds out it
will destroy our families, so is it acceptable to be
BEST FRIENDS behind closed doors?
- Veronica, Age 28 from Alabama
I'm always amazed by the number of people writing to me
with questions like this. I should change my advice
column to a confession column. By the way, if I wrote
back saying it was okay to bang your husbands brother,
would that actually make it okay in your mind? Would
that somehow absolve you of the responsibility to be
honest with your partner? (Sometimes I
wonder about how much power I really have....)
- The Man
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Question
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I am in love with a married man (who is not my
husband). This man flirts with me and tells me if we
were both single that something could happen but he
isn't going to leave his wife. If I flirt back he runs.
Why is it ok for him to flirt but not for me?
- Lisa, Age 41 from Virginia
Flirting isn't illegal. Sounds like he's just having fun
with you. I don't see anything wrong with it as long as
he's not overdoing it. In other words, flirting that
consists of a few smiles, hanging out around the office,
etc. is harmless - especially since he's been careful to
keep you at an arm's length. This man seems to value his
relationship with his wife and wants to control the
tempo of your relationship with him to preserve order.
If he lets you flirt with him whenever you wanted to,
you might say or do something wrong. By being the one to
initiate things, he can keep having fun with you without
jeopardizing his normal life. I suggest that if this
relationship isn't right for you - one where he controls
the tempo - then go elsewhere and don't flirt back. He's
married and you're a would-be home-wrecker. Try and
respect his decision to keep things lighthearted.
- The Man
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Question
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On an average, how many hours a week do teen loves
spend with each other. My boyfriend was wanting to spend
all his free time with me about two months ago, now he
hasn't wanted to see me in the last 4 days, should I be
worried?
- Amber, Age 13 from Michigan
People spend as much time with each other as they want
to. There's no right answer to this question. The trick
to a lasting relationship is that you both agree that
you're seeing each other enough. If one of thinks it's
too much or too little, then you might have some things
to discuss.
- The Man
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Question
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Hey A Man, My boyfriend and I have been having sex
for about 5 months. Just 2 months ago he asked me to try
anal sex. I did not want to, but did - and loved it. We
have had nothing but anal sex for 2 months (that's like
10 times) and I am kind of getting sick of it. How do I
get him to do it the other way with out ticking him off,
and anyway why do guys love anal sex???
- Heather , Age 21 from New York
This is very simple. The answer is communication. Sounds
like you don't have great communication on these issues.
Why can't you just tell him how you feel? Why won't he
respect your feelings when you do? Ask yourself these
questions, then ask him. By the way, between the
two of you - who will get to heaven first? You of
course, because your shit is packed and ready to go!
(Yes, that was an AWFUL joke, I agree!)
- The Man
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Question
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I have loved this guy for five years and he had the
same feeling. We spent one whole year not talking because
of certain problems. Now he is totally ignoring me and I
can't live without him. I tried killing myself but my
friend stopped me. He's my soul mate. I'm committed to
him and all my friends expect me to forget him so
quickly but I cant. I'm thinking of him all the time.
What can I do ??
- Leila, Age 16 from England
Grow up, chicky. You think you're the first love struck
girl in the world? Life is about pain and self-control
and a bunch of other things. You can't just go around
doing stupid things all the time over boys. There's lots
of them out there and you're just 16. Try to imagine
yourself at 26. You're going to be married to some other
person and you'll be thinking about how stupid you were
when you were 16. Trust me on this. We all do stupid
things when we're young. That's why old people try and
make laws and rules to keep us from hurting ourselves
until we're old enough to realize how dumb we were when
we were younger.
- The Man
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Question
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I have been with my boyfriend for three years. I am
very open about my sexual past, but he doesn't want to
hear about it. I, however, want to know the dirt about
his past sexual history. He refuses to answer any of my
questions. Why would he be so shy when we have an open
relationship? How can I get him to tell me about his
past?
- Caroline, Age 21
Are you sure you want to know? You should be careful of
what you wish for. What if he's banged 200 slutty girls
in the last year? Worse, what if he banged 200 slutty
guys? Opening up about this kind of topic too soon can
do damage to an otherwise healthy relationship. You're
taking a risk by asking him to expose these kinds of
things if he doesn't want to. Why not leave this alone
until he's ready to discuss it?
- The Man
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How can I tell my boyfriend that I started my period
while he was fingering me, I mean without grossing him
out or anything?
- Toni, Age 15 from South Carolina
Ok. First, why would you want to? And secondly, you
can't. I wasn't even there and I'm grossed out.
- The Man
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Question
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Why is it that men try avoiding telling women how
they really feel about them?
- Khaliyah, Age 18 from North Carolina
Ever play poker? Never show your hand or you'll lose the
game. His game is control. If he shows his hand, he
loses control.
- The Man
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