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--- Advice Column for August, 2003 ---
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I am engaged to a man with whom I have been living with for a
year. He is very jealous, moody and inpatient. He has a
bad temper. He says he loves me and wants to marry me one day.
He also wants to be able to come and go as he pleases. He also
wants everything his way almost all the time. He does things for
me when it benefits him and he's always asking me to do things for
him. (I do them.) How can I get him to respect and have some
compassion towards me? He says, when he's not mad at me, that I
am what he wants. But when he's mad he says hurtful things and
threatens to leave, but he never does. Can you please give me
some advise on how to handle this man? I love him very much.
- Teresa, Age 42 This guy sounds like a prick to me.
Fortunately, it's very easy to handle a prick if you know how.
Ever hear of that game called chicken where you drive your cars
at each other head-on and the first one to turn away loses the
game? Well, this relationship is kind of like a game of chicken.
He keeps threatening to leave and you believe him. So far,
you've been the loser, but that's all going to change. All you
need to do to get this guy into line is to be the one
threatening to end things. Try threatening HIM for a change. The
next time he gets out of line, tell him you've had enough and go
visit your mom for a couple of days. Trust me - he'll be VERY
concerned about it even if he doesn't show it. If he gets out of
line again, disappear for a week. Don't call him or tell him
where you're going. Eventually he'll start to get concerned that
YOU might not come back. This guy has a good thing going with
you. Right now he's sold you on the fear that he's going to
leave. He's not - jealous guys don't leave their women even
though they threaten it all the time. That's just how they
try to keep you in line. But you're a good woman. Instead, you
need to sell HIM on the fear that YOU'RE going to leave. Get it?
Once he starts to believe it, you've got the upper hand and you
can start to dictate policy.
- The Man
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My girlfriend recently was contacted by a male friend she has
not talked to for 5 or 6 years. He found her email address and
started emailing her. And then they exchanged phone numbers and
talked on the phone. Now she is talking about flying out to
visit him for a weekend. Is there anything I should be concerned
about? Is this normal? Obviously I would not stop her from
going, but I feel that this is a weird situation.
- Bob, Age 27 from Maryland
I understand your concern, but you need to show her how
confident you are. Confidence is attractive to women. Concern,
jealousy and doubt is not. At any rate, if this guy lives a
whole plane ride away, then what's the harm? Maybe they were
just good friends? I certainly have a few good friends that are
women. I keep in touch with several even though they are
married, engaged, moms, etc. Just keep a cool, confident and
supportive attitude and you can't go wrong.
- The Man
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Argh! You must help us. We have been stressing over a very
important question for months. When a
man...ahem..."relieves the tension"...where does "it" go?
What we mean to say is, when a guy is wanking alone in his
room and he cums, where does it go? Out the window? Into some
tissues? It's driving us insane, please help!
- Kendra, Age 19 from New Zealand
Most guys just swallow it. Some of us save it in a jar until
we have enough for a smoothie, but it gets stale after a couple
of weeks. (Yes, I'm kidding.) The real answer is "If I told
you, I'd have to kill you." There are very few man-secrets,
as typically woman have a corner on the "I do this when I'm
alone and you don't need to know anything about it" market.
Lets just say that we have a wide variety of waste disposal
methods available to us. Some of which fall into the "are
you sure you want to know about this?" category and other
fall into the "I TOLD you you didn't want to know about
this!" folder.
- The Man
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- My boyfriend was at a bachelor party with strippers
recently.
I have a huge problem with this and he knows that and we agreed he
would just watch. One of his friends disrespected this and sent
the girls over to him. They were able to back him up to wall
before he could make them leave. I am still bothered that they
went near him and am angered by his friends and their
thoughtless behavior. He won't tell me who sent them and I am
really mad about it. Do you think he should tell me that. I
really just want to know which one of them can't be trusted.
- Carrie, Age 25 from MassachusettsYou're over reacting
to the point of freakiness. Relax. It was just a joke and you
certainly can't expect him to tell you which one of his friends
did this so you can irrationally hate him. That makes no sense
at all. So, did you happen to see How to lose a guy in 10
days? "Psycho-girlfriend" is number 3 or 4 on the
list. Bear in mind that your anger is a reflection of your lack
of trust in him (and/or confidence in yourself). Therefore, your lack of trust, PLUS your anger
towards his friend is a HUGE turn-off and ultimately will cause
problems with your relationship in other areas which may
eventually drive him away from you. It's always better to be
laid back. Either he loves you or he doesn't, but badgering him
over something as inconsequential as this stripper at a bachelor
party incident is a little over-the-top. Obviously he's
trustworthy or he wouldn't have told you about the incident.
That should be quite enough for you. Take a deep breath, and realize that if he didn't want to be
with you, he probably would just leave. (And if you keep up with
this very jealous behavour, he just might leave, eventually!)
- The Man
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- I
recently started dating this great guy. He is 15 years
older than me, but I like older men. He has never been married
and has no kids. On our first date he tells me that he's at a point
where we wants to get married. Is he telling me this to prove to
me that he's ready for a commitment or is it just a line? And
does he really believe that telling me he's ready to get married
will make me sleep with him any faster? (I'm very skeptical)
- Jade, Age 25 from Texas
Could be any of the above, Jade. It's hard to tell. Either
way, I don't think I'd spend much time worrying about it. You're
going to sleep with him when you're good and ready, and I doubt
that his confession is going to have much to do with your
ultimate decision. You don't sound like someone who needs that
kind of reassurance. Ultimately this will become just another
learning experience.
- The Man
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Hi! I just stumbled onto your page. To make it quick: I am 20. My
honey is 43. In the beginning of our relationship, he was always easy to turn on and get off.
Now I hardly EVER give him an erection (no matter what I try). And if by some odd chance he gets one from something (usually himself or porn), I can't help him keep it! What am I doing wrong? What can I do right?
- Jaime 20 in Washington
This has nothing to do with you. Go get him to try Viagra. He's
into his 40s. Things stop working as well around that age.
Probably his excitement at this new relationship was enough when
you first met, but now that you're comfortable with each other,
you might need a little assistance getting things... up again.
Not to worry. Vitamin "V" might just be the answer
you're looking for.
- The Man
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