 |
 |
|
Want to
advertise
on, invest in or
otherwise contribute to
The Answer
Man? Write
to The
Man |
|
|
 |
 |
|
---
Archives From 07/17/01 --- |
- I've been living with a guy for
6 years. I want to get married and he is "not ready"
but won't say exactly what that means. I feel rejected and feel
that if he truly knew if I was what he wanted for his life there
would be no problem. I am ready to hand him that "take it
or leave it" ultimatum. Good or bad choice?
- Julia, Age 40 from Texas
That all depends. What's you're backup plan? When I studied
negotiation (a very fun and interesting topic to study, by the
way) they had this concept they called BATNA. BATNA stands for
Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. Your BATNA is what
happens when you cannot come to an agreement. Understand? It's
what you do when you can't agree. It's your backup plan. In
other words, you need to figure out what you're going to do if
he says 'lets end things'. You see, when you go into a
negotiation, you should already know in advance what you're
willing to settle for and what your 'walk away' point is.
Another way of explaining is this: If he says 'no' to your
ultimatum, then you're in a big pickle if you haven't thought
this through! You need to consider what's going to happen next.
That's a pretty big salami you've got hanging out there if
you're not ready for it. If you're actually prepared to walk
away from this relationship and the thought of being alone again
doesn't worry you, then you're BANTA from the negotiation is to
pack and leave. If, on the other hand, you're bluffing and you
really don't want to break up over this, then you'd better not
sit down at the negotiation table in the first place. Either
way, you better think this through before you lay the
'ultimatum' egg.
- The Man
Ask a Question
|
- I'm 27 and I have the hugest
crush on a guy who lives in my neighborhood who's 47. I just
moved here, so I don't know much about him, but I do know he's
single. We're also part of the same Blockwatch group. Do you
think it would be OK if I made a move, or is the age difference
too much of an obstacle? Do you think it would be a good idea to
do some asking around about him first, or would that generate
too much gossip?
- Lisa, Age 27 from Ohio
You're old enough to buy a swing from his tree if that's where
you want to hang. Frankly you might learn a thing or two. I know
he's not going to object!! Actually ever since I turned 30 I've
become a lot less sensitive to the age issue. When I was younger
I used to think that dating older people was gross. I admit it.
Now I joke with my friends that we should get 17 year old IDs.
(That's JUST a joke, by the way!!) The bottom line is this - I'd
do only as much investigating as you need to do to make sure
you're not going to end up in small chunks in his freezer. If
he's not a serial killer, then there's really no problem.
- The Man
Ask a Question
|
- I am living in a racist city,
New Orleans. Interracial dating is rare on the campus of Tulane.
All the AA (African American) men are dating other people, and
the AA women outnumber the AA men here. I would like to date
white guys. How do I approach them? (Please do not tell me, the
same as approaching anybody else because here in the deep south,
interracial dating is frowned up between Blacks and Whites.
Strange but true. (Asians and whites, and Hispanics and whites
are accepted here but not Blacks and Whites).
- Crystal, Age 22 from Louisiana
What do you want me to tell you? I'm not a witch doctor with
magic potions and such. Dating outside you're race in the South
is a game of chance. First of all, the guy needs to be
interested in you to begin with. If he is, you'll know. Dating
is done the same way no matter what the circumstance. The only
advice I can give is simply to be very discreet. Don't flaunt
it. For instance, I wouldn't sit out on a park bench and make
out with a white dude. Yes, you *should* be able to do that, but
lets face it, why make your own life difficult if you
don't need to. As far as asking out white guys, well that's
tough, but so is asking out black guys. I don't think I'd change
things from how you normally go about pursuing someone you like.
Just be a tad more discreet.
- The Man
Ask a Question
|
- My boy friends is constantly
telling me and some of his friends that I am too conservative in
the bedroom, how might I change that?
- Laura, Age 19 from Florida
Is this a trick question? You know all those times he's asked
for a BJ or tried to flip you over and you've said 'no'...?
Seriously though, either you're given him the impression you'll
flip out if he asks for something new, or you're saying 'no'
when he does. Either way, if you want to change this, it's going
to require you to do new things that you might find....
unappealing.
- The Man
Ask a Question
|
- Dear Man, I have been dating my
girlfriend for roughly 2.5 years now. Everything about our
relationship is great until one subject comes up.. her going out
with her friends to weekend get always. The last time she went
to Vegas with them they ended up hanging out with guys all
night, riding in their limo, clubbing and eventually one of the
guys spent the night with her friend in their room. My thoughts
are that it is a slap in my face that she doesn't see anything
wrong with hanging out with guys that just want to get in her
pants as long as she doesn't hook up with them. I don't mind her
going out and doing other things with her friends but I feel
totally dissed thinking that she thinks its fine as long as she
doesn't cheat. Am I being too insecure or should I move on?
- James, Age 33 from California
Hmmmm. All guys always want to get into a woman's pants. The
only difference here is that it's a lot more apparent when
everyone's out in Vegas running around in limos. In a perfect
relationship, she'd be able to do the things you just talked
about without you freaking out. If you trust her, then what's
the big deal? The good news is that when you're in an
unfortunate circumstance requiring HER to trust YOU, you're all
set. See what I mean? If you don't trust her, then you might
think about moving on, but if you DO trust her, then get over
it.
- The Man
Ask a Question
|
- Do you
have any idea how busy The Answer Man is???! If he doesn't have
time to answer your question, you can always get answers in the
forum from other people just like you.
Click
Here
|
- This guy that I met is really
sweet. He told me that he loved me but he has a girl friend. He
wants me to go to his house every day and just hang out with
him. I know that's not what he really wants to do. But what
should I do? Go to his house or stay at home?
- Crystal, Age 18 from Australia
Can I translate your question? Here goes: "Should I bang
him silly or maintain my self respect?" Isn't that about
right? Funny how things become clearer after The Man translates
them for you... :-)
- The Man
Ask a Question
|
- Wow just found this sight and I
think its great. Now my pressing question. What do guys think
when they are getting ready to cum or while they are cumming? My
b/f says every orgasm he's ever had flashes before his eyes. All
of them. Then everything wonderful between us. Well I 'm sure
not every orgasm flashes but I am bothered by the fact that
other women flash before him at such an intimate time between
us. I'm by no means a prude and have fantasies myself but every
time he cums?!? Do I need to deal w/this on my own? He says its
like that for most guys because he and his friends have talked
about it. Or is this something we need to work on together? Like
he needs to find different flashes. We do have a great sexual
relationship as well as nonsexual relationship. I just found
this out and it bothers me.
- Lynn, Age 3? from Ohio
Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. That's about the
gist of it. Personally I've never thought about what I think
about during that short 5 second period. It's like dinner. I
don't think about yesterday's spaghetti when I'm eating today's
pizza. Do you?? Perhaps he was just making some damn thing up
just to answer your off the wall question?? I will say this:
you're silly to think you can find him 'other flashes'. LOL.
You've totally invented a new and unusual problem for yourself
to worry about. How funny. This is one for the books. And my
advice? Try and forget about this as fast as humanly possible,
for christ sake, before you drive yourself mad. There's plenty
of REAL problems in the world to worry about without inventing
new ones for yourself!
- The Man
Ask a Question
|
- I recently discovered my
husband had an affair. We're trying really hard to work out our
marriage with counseling, etc. My problem is I can't stop
obsessing about her sexual performance and her "size"
being more desirable than mine. You see I've always had a
complex about the size of my vagina (too big) and fear that this
gives him minimal pleasure. I keep wondering whether his
experience with her was better because she was
"tighter". I ask him and of course he says no... I
mean, come on... My question is: Is the size of a woman's vagina
really relevant? I know I shouldn't be so concerned with this
but now that he's been with someone else I just can't help it,
I'm hopelessly obsessed.
- Lynn, Age 36 from New Jersey
So you think you have a cavernous vagina and you're concerned
that your married life is over because of it? How do you know
it's that big? Stop using those eggplant sized vibrators for
god's sake. (kidding). Actually I wouldn't worry about this.
First of all, any woman who sleeps with a married man probably
has a pretty stretched out vagina too, for one thing. The other
thing is this: Guys talk about some things and don't really talk
about other things. I've NEVER seen a guy bring up the gaping
size of his wife/girlfriend/one nighter's vagina. It's not like
we're going around announcing to our friends, "hey dude, I
could have gotten a softball up there!!". To be perfectly
frank, I can't really even remember thinking about it. Overall,
there are things in life worth worrying about. This is not one
of them.
- The Man
Ask a Question
|
- I'm a married man with 2
children. I love my wife dearly. BUT...I have always been
attracted to both sexes and only experimented once with guy
(just kissing). Anyways lately I find myself thinking more about
the same sex and I feel I may be in the wrong type of
relationship (guy-girl). I don't want to hurt anyone I love my
family but is fair if I live the rest of my life a lie and
unhappy?
- Jack, Age 25 from Canada
Depend on your value system, doesn't it? Let's say for the time
being that you DO start banging other dudes. Now things are fair
[to you], right? But what about her? Is it fair that you have
made promises to her that you no longer want to keep? Is it fair
that you're exposing your wife to the possibility of AIDS and
other STDs by sleeping with a very high risk population of
people while still sharing her bed? And what about your kids? Is
it fair to them that you're going to change your life (and
theirs) to something so different then what they probably would
expect? Frankly, you're asking a very selfish question: Can I
dump my wife and kids to become more sexually active? Well gee,
cowboy, lots of guys want to cheat when they are married. The
only difference is that you're wanting to cheat with other
dudes. If I were you, I wouldn't use the word 'fair'. It's
likely to backfire on you. You're really the only person being
unfair here. Now grow the hell up.
- The Man
Ask a Question
|
- My boyfriend and I live in
different states (about 150 miles apart). He is 11 years older
than me and he owns his own business. He works a lot and he is
constantly on the phone. I feel like his work is more important
to him, and when I try to talk about it, he tells me that he is
working so hard to secure a future for us. I have tried to
explain to him that it is his time and attention that I want
(especially when we are so far apart), but he just doesn't seem
to get it. It seems like he doesn't want to spend time alone
with me, even when we haven't seen each other for a week. I know
that he loves me, and I have never met anyone who is as
wonderful and special as he is, but I feel that emotionally I
need more than he is giving me. What can I do about this? I
don't want to think about moving closer until I am
confident that I will not get my heart broken.
- Lynn, Age 28 from New York
I have a friend who's very rich. He is the president of a large
public company you've probably heard of. Once when he was not
around, his wife told me that she wished they weren't so rich
and that instead he would have spent more time with her and the
kids. You know what? That's bullshit. I didn't tell her that,
but it's bullshit. The grass is ALWAYS greener. Know what I
mean? There is no magic combo that solves everything. If she
wasn't complaining about his lack of time and attention, she'd
be complaining about something else, like money, for instance,
or some aspect of his personality that might have gotten on her
nerves if they did spend more time together. As things are,
she's never had to worry about those things, but if he wasn't
wealthy, things would be different and she'd have other things
to complain about. My advice to you: Learn to live with it.
There's always something you're going to have to adjust to. If
you're happy and you're biggest problem in life is the lack of
time with your mate, then thank goodness. Other people have much
worse problems.
- The Man
Ask a Question
|
- Dear Answer Man: To shave or
not to shave? I have always left my pubic hair grow naturally.
Do men prefer "bikini" shaves on women? I would, but
the itching can be an absolute torment. What is the turn on
here? Thanks much!
- Barbara, Age 33 from Oregon
Let me put it this way. When someone says
"hamburgers", do you think of McDonalds or that
equally greasy no-name place down on the corner? American life
is about packaging. While some guys do prefer the "You
Tarzan, Me Jane" unshaved approach, I think it's safe to
say that most prefer it trimmed, cropped, shaved, etc. The only
problem is that shaving presents other problems (mainly the
'itch' factor). Quality always comes at a price.... doesn't it?
;-)
- The Man
Ask a Question
|
- Listen to The
Man's 10 Minute Internet Talk Show, built for your coffee break.
Click here
|
- I have been married for 5
years. Everything has seemed to be okay in the bedroom, except
what happened last week. During sex, my husband started to spank
me! I objected and he said that lots of couples do this. Is this
true? I have only had 3 partners and had never had this happen
to me. Needless to say, it kind of spoiled the mood. Advice?
- Becky, Age 28 from New Jersey
Yeah, relax. The spanking thing can be fun if you're not too
uptight. There's about 20 other things he could have done that
might have upset you a lot more. It sounds like he's just trying
to expand your mutual horizons a little. Besides, if you
unclench, you might find out that you actually enjoy it. It kind
of adds a new sensation to the experience that might augment
what you already do in a way you find pleasing. Who knows? Try
to keep an open mind. I'm not saying you should do EVERYTHING he
might eventually suggest, but a little love pat on the rear,
even if it stings a bit, doesn't constitute 'he's turning into a
pervert'.
- The Man
Ask a Question
|
- In the beginning of my
relationship I didn't have any trouble with my boyfriend
calling, coming over, saying sweet things to me, etc. But now it
seems like he never makes it over my house, he never stays on
the phone with me. He started acting like this about 2 months
into our relationship . I just want to know if I should let him
go or stick with him .
- Laneal, Age 17 from Maryland
Sounds like he's done with you. Guys stick with a girl for a
variety of reasons even thought they are no longer into the
relationship. (Girls do the same things, by the way...) Examples
include: they like the sex, they are afraid to end things, they
think having a cute girlfriend will impress their buddies, or
they simply like the fact there is a girl out there who's kind
of 'on the line'. Know what I mean? I would move one. The nice
thing is that you get to dump him before he's done with you.
He's going to protest most likely, but don't believe him. The
moment he finds another girl, you're likely to be shown the door
anyway.
- The Man
Ask a Question
|
- I been going out with this lad
for 2 months (one of which I was abroad), and last night he told
me he was in love with me. Other than that he even asked how I
feel about him. I just like him, not even close to loving him
but I sure don't want to hurt him. It scares me that he wants to
come all the way from Greece to Ireland just to spend x-mas with
me in December. It scares me that he plans all this stuff for
the future. I even thought of breaking up with him. What's the
Man saying for the lot then?
- Kathy, Age 22 from Ireland
Dump him. Some guys are clingy. You're not going to like it -
you already don't like it. Eventually it's just going to get on
your nerves. Might as well not prolong the problem.
- The Man
Ask a Question
|
- I've had problems with
depression and some paranoia that is controlled with medication.
I've been hospitalized 3 times over 10 years. If you live with
someone it's pretty hard to hide something like that. I've had
dates before and some relationships (not very good ones) but it
never got to the point I've ever lived with anyone. Would
someone want me? How do I deal with this?
- Carrie, Age 30 from Michigan
I guess it's natural for you to wonder about that, but it's
really sort of ridiculous. People get together because they LIKE
each other, not because the doctor gives them a clean bill of
health. Lots of depressed women are married and have boyfriends,
etc. If you don't it's just because you haven't found the right
person. You may never find the right person, but I don't think
it's going to have anything to do with your medical condition.
Just keep on your medication, for gods sake, and it will never
be an issue. Every time I've ever heard about people like you
having difficulty it's when you get off your pills. That's when
things fall apart. I know you know what I mean....
- The Man
Ask a Question
|
- I've been married 35 years to
the same man with our ups and downs. For the past ten years,
since he's turned 50 his attitude has become almost intolerable.
He's becoming more controlling of everything. My question is, do
men go through a type of male menopause and if so how long does
it last?
- Pam, Age 55 from Tennessee
Actually there is some discussion over male menopause. Some
doctors say it exists. When I get that old I'll let you know. In
the meantime, you need to bring this up with the guy and let him
know he's out of line. 10 years is a long time to wait for
relief. You might read up on male menopause in the time being
just to see what it is. I'm not a doctor, nor do I claim to know
anything about medicine. I've just heard about the condition.
- The Man
Ask a Question
|
- I have been going out with this
girl for about 4 months now and she told me the other day that
she doesn't feel like my best friend anymore. She says that she
doesn't feel close to me any more...what am I supposed to do?
- Jeff, Age 21 from Canada
Do the words 'exit stage left' mean anything to you? She's
dropped a pretty big hint out there. If you don't see the
writing on the wall, then you're facing the wrong way. You might
as well move on. It's going to happen soon anyway. Hey, man -
shit happens...
- The Man
Ask a Question
|
- Last night after being for one
month with this guy he sort of undressed me when I wasn't even
completely sober. he kissed me everywhere and even fingered me.
Now I don't even want to kiss him. It's just lame that he did
all that even if I was more or less fully conscious. He said
that he was sorry and that he respects me and love me but I
just... I don't know if I feel the same about him anymore.
Suggestions?
- Shannon, Age 25 from England
Sex changes things. In your case, 'almost sex' changes things
too. Sounds like he gambled and lost. I've been with girls and
the next day I don't feel the same. Hell, sometimes I don't feel
the same the moment we're done!! That kind of sex is like
"ah ah ah ahhhhhh!!! That was nice, now get out!" Lots
of people are like that. You need to be careful that you wait
long enough before you mess around with someone. This isn't a
hard and fast rule, but it's true in this situation. That's what
happened to you. I suspect you're not going to like him any more
no matter what happens. He'll call you or stop by and you won't
even want to talk to him. It's some kind of instinctual thing.
You might as well just end things now and find someone else.
- The Man
Ask a Question
|
|
Bookmark
The Answer Man Web site
Read
Old Advice Columns
|
|
