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--- Advice Column for June, 2003 ---
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- As odd as this question may seem, my friend and I have been
having an in-depth discussion on what the definition of
virginity is... So I was wondering, how would you define
virginity?!
- Sophie, Age 19 from Oregon
This is a tricky question. First of all, sex is a charged topic.
People craft answers to this question based not only on their
views of sex, but also according to political views, religious
views and certainly ethical views. The only answer I can
actually give you that makes any sense would be to say that the
definition of virginity is really in the eye of the beholder.
Does oral sex constitute losing virginity? Does rape? What about
fingering as opposed to actual intercourse? The answer is almost
certainly going to be different depending on who you ask. So
what's my personal definition? Actual (good ol' fashioned)
intercourse is when you lose virginity, but that's just The
Man's opinion.
- The Man
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- I think I am falling in love with my husbands brother. He
is also married but separated. How do I know if he feels the
same way? If he does, should I make a move? I don't want to hurt
anyone but I really do love him!
- Donna, Age 25 from England
And what if he is attracted to you? All you seem to care
about is yourself. What about right and wrong? What about trust and
truth? What about those around you who would suffer upon finding
out about your infidelity? Are you planning on leaving your husband? Banging some
guy just because you have a itch for him from time to time isn't
right under your circumstances. If you don't love your husband
then leave, but at the very least you should avoid shagging his immediate
family members simply because it's the decent
thing to do.
- The Man
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- I can't believe I did this. A few months ago I met a young
couple in a bar. After a while they invited me back to their
hotel room. That's when I found out they wanted to make a porn
movie. I was way worked up at that point and jumped at the
chance to be in the porn. I signed the release, but I didn't get
to have sex with her. I watched her have sex with another man
while her husband filmed. I was so turned on I ended up getting
naked and I jacked off while watching them. Well, the amateur
movie is out now. I just saw it and I am freaking. There I sit
naked in the background stroking off. There are some close up
shots of me as well. I am worried sick that people I know will
see me in the porn. Hell, I didn't even have sex with her, I'm
just sitting there furiously jerking off. I don't know what I
was thinking. I know a man in his right mind wouldn't do
something like I did. Literally thousands of men are now going
to see me jacking like some idiot while watching the hot couple
have sex. I'm a young, good-looking guy with great potential in
front of me. I just don't want this to ruin my future. What
should I do? Would most guys do something like this if given the
opportunity?
- Jason, Age 23 from Texas
Well, bud, you're basically screwed. Signing a release makes it
a bit difficult to stop the thing from hitting every web server
between here an Kalamazoo. I'd suggest you come up with a good
story JUST IN CASE you're ever recognized. You could say
something like, "Laugh it up cowboy, but I made over
$200,000 for that small cameo" or "Hey man, didn't you
see the fire that started by the couch when I dropped my cigar?
I was just trying to put it out with anything available."
Or, you could swear you were making a sperm donation but
that might be a bit of a stretch. 
Of course you're probably never going to get recognized, but if
you are, I'd be surprised if anyone mentions it to you. Think
about it for a minute: Exactly what would YOU say if you saw
your buddy spanking little Johnny? "Hey dude, I was about
to jerk off to this new amateur porn flick and you'll never
guess who was guest-starring?" or "Dude - I just saw
your new movie. Nice technique!" Ummm - no. I'd say you're
relatively safe.
- The Man
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- My high school son says boys don't call each other on the
phone to talk. How do boys ever make plans to go out to a movie
or get together? We moved to a new city 45 min. away from his
old friends and can't get there easily to hang out. He needs
lessons on how to meet new friends. Please help!
- Shirl, Age 50 fromHe'll make friends when he's good a
ready. He might not want to go to all the trouble right now.
Some people need time alone. Just let him be. That's my
suggestion. If you're really concerned, get him involved in
something where he'll be forced to meet people, like a sports
team, theatre troop, summer camp, etc. I wouldn't worry too much
about it, however. It takes time to meet people that you like
hanging out with when you're young. Young people tend to
segregate themselves from one another based on mutual interests
(young rockers hang out with other young rockers, for instance,
while computer people choose other computer people). It takes
time to discover people with mutual interests, especially if
you're 15 and you're not even sure who YOU are.
- The Man
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- I have been with my girl for 10 months and am deeply in
love with her. I thought she was in love with me as well until
recently when she started acting very distant. A few days ago
she told me she wanted to have a break in our relationship. What
does that mean? I am 21 and she's 19. This is the longest
relationship either of us have ever had. Can you me give any
advice on some things I should do.
- Brian, Age 21 from CaliforniaThere's an old saying that
says something like: If you love something, let it go. If it
returns to you, then it's yours. This is true of this girl. You
sound like you're smothering her. Girls (and guys too) don't
like to be smothered. They enjoy freedom. If you're really into
this girl and she's backing away faster then an oval office
intern during the rutting season, then you may need a reality
check. Let this one go (she's going anyway). Then perhaps she's
get lonely and come back. Of course there's a big chance she
won't be back, but that's just the breaks. You don't have any
choice about this anyway. The harder you try to keep her the
more she'll want to get away.
- The Man
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- My girlfriend asked if I wanted her or a relationship. My
reply was an immediate "you" as in I want her. Is this
good or bad or what? How would she interpret my answer? As
obsessive or as not being interested in a
"relationship".
- Torin, Age 33 from NevadaI don't think there's any way
to know how she's going to interpret your answer. For one thing,
HOW you said "you" will have a big impact. If you said
it in a sexy way, like "you, baby" then she might
think you're just after her physically. On the other hand, if
your answer was heart-felt and loving, then she might understand
what you meant even if your answer could have meant something
different then your intention. I suggest you bring it up with
her. Communication is a good thing and can help in this
situation. Be prepared to explain how you feel, but don't let it
go if you think she took it the wrong way.
- The Man
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