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Archives From March, '02 --- |
- Let me start out by saying that
in the past I haven't been interested in dating. Now I am
interested and I'm finding it hard to find a girl to date. I
work in a grocery store and there's this one particular person
that works there who I like. I have even gone as far as having a
friend that I work with ask her if she's seeing anyone and found
out that she isn't. We work in different areas in the store but
I have always heard its not wise to date people you work with.
This is the first girl that I have shown any real interest in
since I have been looking. Do you think this is worth pursuing?
The one thing that I don't want to do is say something to screw
it up before we even get to know each other.
- Chris, Age 20 from Arkansas
Sounds fine to me. Go for it. The reason that people say it's
not a good idea to date someone you work with is because when
things go wrong, you're stuck seeing the person every day, which
can be uncomfortable for one or both of you depending on what
happened when you were dating. Also, there's an element of risk
that you might end up needing to find a new job. Being that you
work in a grocery store I'd say it's probably not a big deal.
Professionals who command high paying salaries have much more to
lose by fishing off the company pier - if you know what I mean.
If they date someone from work and it doesn't work out, it's
much more costly for them to find a new job, but you're just a
clerk in a grocery store right now, so it matters a lot less.
See what I mean? I'd start by just becoming her friend.
- The Man
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- How do I know if my boyfriend
is only after one thing?
- Sarah, Age 19 from Michigan
Simple. Stop giving it to him for a while and see if he hangs
around.
- The Man
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- You're always saying, "men
look at women; that's what they do". But how do you know
when it has gone to far, or if it is just a woman's insecurity?
My problem is my guy is CONSTANTLY looking at other women. He'll
even go so far as to comment to a woman, "You're looking
nice today". When I get upset, he blames it on my "low
self-esteem". How do you know when men are going to far
with the flirting thing?
- Lucy, Age 35 from Kentucky
There are times in life when the majority of the population
would find fault (or not find fault) with someone's behavior.
For instance, when someone cheats on you, most people would
agree the cheater has 'gone too far'. On the other hand, being
casually friendly with the waitress serving you and your
girlfriend waffles is generally acceptable. The goal for most
people is to fall between the lines. No one wants to be accused
of overreacting but on the other hand we don't want people
walking all over us either. When he flirts with people, he's
being disrespectful to you. That has nothing to do with your
self esteem. A boyfriend should not flirt with other people when
you're around. It's humiliating to you because it tells the
world that he has no regard for your feelings. On the other
hand, you *should* be able to trust your man not to cheat
assuming he loves you and only you, so who cares if he flirts?
It's a dilemma alright. It boils down to trust. If you trust him
deep down in your gut, then keep him but try to get him to
understand that you're being insulted and humiliated by his
behavior. If you don't trust him, then get rid of him.
- The Man
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-
Answer Man, I have a question
that I desperately need answered. Do men mind if a woman has
larger than normal vaginal lips?
- Michelle, Age 22 from Illinois
What makes you think they're larger then normal? Have you
measured them with a ruler like some adolescent teenage guy
trying to figure out if his 4 inch tool meets specification, or
is it readily apparent to the casual observer and they hang down
to your knees? I think to best answer your question I'll need to
inspect those things to make a proper determination. Can you
stop by? (j/k) The real answer, of course, is NO. We don't care.
We're just happy to see them.
- The Man
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- My male 'friend' asked
for a threesome for his birthday a few months ago. In the
beginning I tried to skirt the issue, but as time passed he
became more adamant about finding a willing female playmate.
After much deliberation on my part I set out to get him what he
wanted. I finally found a female that appealed to me as well as
to him and our first encounter was okay. The second encounter
was a totally different experience all together. It started out
great, but then fell completely apart as he turned ALL his
attention to this practical stranger. When she got up to leave,
he tried to do so as well (but did not succeed). Once she left I
told him that I was really hurt and could not believe he would
treat me that way. His comment was that I should not be so
selfish. He said that he spent most of his time with me the
first time we were all together and that it was only 'fair' that
she get the same treatment this time around. I was dumbfounded.
I tried to explain to him that she was just there to expand on
OUR enjoyment, and that it's true that she should be satisfied
but that his concern should have been my satisfaction. He
doesn't agree and is constantly telling me that I ruined his
threesome. What did I do wrong??
- Karen, Age 34 from Georgia
Do you remember when you began dating some 15 or more years ago?
Things were clumsy back then too. Why? Because as a teenager you
didn't understand the dynamics of handling a mature
relationship. Frankly, it takes time and practice before you can
be successful in a relationship, right? So what makes you think
you can add a third person to the mix without skipping a beat?
Adding another personality to a relationship means that there
are all kinds of new things you're going to have to experiment
with and become accustomed to. So will he. Then you will need to
decide if he's the right guy, under these new circumstances. I
guess after all, the thing you did wrong was assume there would
be no consequences to this serious change in the nature of your
relationship to your 'friend'. I'll give you one last example
- this scenario could have been very different in that YOU may
have been the one to decide that she was worthy of extra
attention. Then he'd be the one pouting on the sidelines. If
you're going to change the recipe to your favorite cake by
adding new ingredients, then you're going to have to be prepared
for it to taste differently.
- The Man
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- I'd like to know what is
socially or morally wrong with a younger woman dating an older
man. For quite some time now I have been in a terrific
relationship with a man who is 40 years older than I. When we
are out people stare at us and make comments. I'd like to know
why this seems so unacceptable in a society that's so caught up
in sex. Thanks!
- Lauren, Age 27 from Maryland
People scoff and the unfamiliar. If every woman dated guys 40
years older then they were, no one would care. I think you're
definitely old enough to make up your own mind about this. I'd
just learn to ignore people. They won't change for you. You need
to be the one to adapt in this case.
- The Man
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- I came upon your website by
accident, however it appears to be quite a fortuitous mistake. I
have an extremely difficult and yet delicate problem. My future
happiness rests upon your answer (not to be melodramatic or
anything, but...) I am a 23 year old man who has lately been
lusting after my sister. She is 28 and recently divorced so she
has been spending a lot of time with me lately. I know it's
totally fucked up, but I really don't know what to do.
Obviously, I can't talk to anyone I know about this. HELP! No
one else even looks good to me anymore. What do I do????
- Tony, Age 23 from California
What do you want me to say? Your sister sure as hell isn't going
to be pleased. I wouldn't tell her anything, of course. It would
ruin your life if this little secret made it out to the rest of
the family. I suggest you find a good doctor. They have a duty
to keep stuff like this secret, so you can tell them about this
problem without fearing that something bad will happen to you.
Or you can try to wait it out and see if normalcy prevails, but
if that doesn't work I'd get the professional help sooner then
later.
- The Man
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- Do you
have any idea how busy The Answer Man is???! If he doesn't have
time to answer your question, you can always get answers in the
"Ask Each Other" forums from other people just like
you. Click
Here
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- How do I get rid of a guy
that's been living with me for 4 years? We had great sex the
first 6 months. We now work different hours/days and I see him
about once a month. I'd like to date other men, but it seems
wrong. He's perfectly happy with the arrangement! He's on the
lease agreement with me and if I move and he doesn't...?
- Carolyn, Age 53 from California
I'd start by talking to him, of course. Let him know you're
ready to move on and. You should be able to terminate the lease
by providing your landlord 30 days notice of your intention to
move. It happens all the time. It will be up to him to
renegotiate with the landlord or move out as well.
- The Man
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- I feel that I am addicted
to online pornography. This is getting in the way of my love
life and work life. What do I have to do to stop this?
- Chris, Age 30 from Florida
So you're (literally and figuratively) stuck to your computer
screen? Congratulations. I think you've discovered your true
calling. You need to quit work and create a new 12 step program
for all those addicts like yourself that have unwittingly
discovered the dark side of free & unlimited quality porn.
You could be rich. I get 15%. If that doesn't work, try
lending your computer to a friend for a while.
- The Man
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- My wife, who is very sexy and
hot, has a need to go out to meet other men. She says it's not
for sex but just to see how desirable she is cause she is a
flirt. She also likes leaving me at home wondering. Now she even
wants to go out with a friend of mine. Is all this okay?
- David, Age 47 from New York
Hell no! Lucy (see earlier question above) has a similar
problem with her man flirting. I'd say there's cause for
concern. If your woman is so out of touch with your feelings
about this issue, then who know what she's capable of? I
certainly wouldn't allow her to date your friends. That's very
unusual. Wives don't date. I think she's playing you. Any wife
worth a damn (or husband for that matter) should not be causing
stress and mental anguish for their own amusement. Presumably
you should love the person you're with, right? You should do
things to make that person happy. You should NOT play games with
their feelings, and from time to time you should deny yourself
the occasional indiscretion because you know the person you're
with would be hurt by it. In other words, your woman should know
better then to act in this manner because it causes you so much
distress. Other wives don't do it. I dated a woman like this for
a short period of time and I was miserable until I finally ended
things.
- The Man
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- Me and my boyfriend want to
have sex but how do we know if we are ready?
- Christina, Age 15 from Kentucky
You ask me. Preparing for sex means you're ready to handle the
consequences when things go wrong. For instance, are you
ready to get an abortion if you get pregnant? If not, are you
ready to tell your mom and dad that you're going to have a baby?
Are you ready to drop out of high school and raise a baby? Do
you know how to protect yourself from diseases? Do you know what
types of condoms to use? Do you know what types of condoms NOT
to use? Do you know what things you've heard from your friends
about sex are true and what things you've heard from your
friends are false? If you can't answer all these
questions exactly right, you're not ready. Stop. Do not
pass Go. Do not collect $200.
- The Man
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- Hi Answer Man. About 3 years
ago, I met this man online, we will call him Marty. Marty lives
in Scotland, I live in Canada. We became really great friends,
and as we got to know each other, other feelings came into play.
Before anything really serious happened, we decided because of
distance and our age (at the time we were both only 21) we would
be friends. Shortly thereafter, I met "Sam". Sam and I
fell in love, and became engaged and even bought a house
together. Well last summer, I caught Sam in bed with another
woman, and promptly ended things. Moving to Christmas, I got an
e-mail from Marty, and we sort of picked up where we left off. I
am now 25 years old, and am scared to death because I have
fallen in love with him. He is coming to see me in May, and then
wants me to move to the UK with him for a year before he moves
here. I am fine with this... but here is my question: Can
internet relationships work? I am old enough to know the right
thing to do, and in my heart I believe this is right, but am I
crazy for falling for someone over the net? Has anyone had this
situation work out for them?
- Debbie, Age 25 from Canada
I don't think you're crazy, just short sighted and a little
naive. You're assuming from your online relations with Marty
that you're going to be able to live together in a loving
relationship. It's not impossible, but you've fooled yourself
into thinking that the mental connection you share is the only
thing needed to make a relationship work. What about the other
very important things? What if you don't like his laugh or his
smile? What if he smells funny? What if he makes stupid jokes
all the time when you're with him in person? What if he stares
at every woman that goes by? What if you simply don't like the
way he carries himself? What if he clips his toenails in front
of your friends? What if? What if? What if? There's a thousand
things about him you can't possibly know having never been in
the same room. Don't get me wrong, this CAN work - why not,
right? But I'd meet the guy and spend some quality time with him
first. Perhaps a month or more on a couple of occasions before
you turn your life upside down. If you do move over there, get
your own apartment and make damn sure your life doesn't depend
on him being in it.
- The Man
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- Dear Man, my fiancé is
being weird and aggressive towards me and I do not know what to
do. He wants to hang out with his friends more than he wants to
be around me. His friends are telling him that he should find
someone else. He is never home and he tells me I do not need to
know where he is going all the time. He also told me that he is
tired of being around me all the time when I only see him 2 to 3
hours a day.
- Carrie, Age 18 from (outside the US)
This is why you're too young to get married. Successful
marriages are built on communication, trust and a desire to be
with one another. You don't share any of these three things with
this turd. He clearly isn't ready either. Please, save yourself
the agony of getting married to this idiot. You're going to end
up a single mom and he's going to end up being a deadbeat dad
making you raise the kid without any financial help. It will
destroy your life. I can already smell the coffee. Stop fooling
yourself. You're not really engaged, even though you both think
you are. Get rid of this loser NOW and get your ass to college.
I had to correct about 15 spelling mistakes in your question and
it's only a couple sentences long.
- The Man
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- Listen to The
Man's 10 Minute Internet Talk Show, built for your coffee break.
Click here
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- My Fiancé just admitted
that he's been going to lunch with a coworker for the last six
months. He's even brought her to our apartment. I never knew
about this girl until two days ago, yet I know all of his other
co-worker friends by heart and I haven't met any of them. He
says they are just friends and he's done nothing wrong. What do
you think?
- Grace, Age 24 from California
Tough one. This could go either way. I definitely have worked
with women where we'd go out to lunch on more then just a few
occasions and still there was NOTHING going on. It is possible
to have platonic, normal relationships with people like that.
Depending on how jealous you are, he may have simply decided to
not worry you. Frankly, some people are a little overly
protective of relationships to the point where it's easier to
omit details, like an occasional lunch, since nothing is going
on anyway. Did they come back to the apartment for lunch or did
he need to stop by to pick something up and she just happened to
be with him? If you don't trust him, then that's a separate
issue altogether, but if you trust him there's a definite
possibility here that there's nothing to worry about.
- The Man
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- I have been with my
husband for 6 years and have never truly been happy with our
relationship. I met someone else. He is a close friend and my
husband knows about him so we are working on a solution. A few
weeks ago I found out that my husband was going in to chat rooms
and having computer nooky. I was furious and mentioned something
to my friend (who is older) who told me how that was something
he would never do. This past weekend I picked him up (the
friend) in a chat room and he lied about his sex, age,
everything and proceeded to try to get my hands down my pants
for him. The real question is, do all men behave like this? Is
having computer relations accepted in relationships and should
women just get used to the fact that your man has to go and pick
up a nameless person on-line just to get off?
- Jennifer, Age 26 from New Jersey
So you're having an affair and you're mad at both your men for
fooling around with strangers in chat rooms... ? How ironic.
Actually the jury is still out in my opinion on chat room
encounters with strangers. If it leads to more contact, etc.
then clearly it's wrong. On the other hand, if it goes no
further then online, anonymous encounters then it may be a
relatively innocuous way of spicing things up for yourself when
you need a little "something new" from time to time.
Sort of like looking at online porn. The unfortunate thing about
all of this is that it's just one more thing to get in the way
of otherwise normal or happy relationships.
- The Man
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- I work in an office and we have
a petty cash box. I work with one other lady who is my office
manager. Before we closed up for the day, I took $20 from the
petty cash box. Well, my manager counted the money before we
left and noticed $20 bucks were missing. While her back was
turned, I replaced the $20 in the box, she asked me where it
was, and I told her I put it underneath the box because I
thought it would be safer. (phew!) She can't fire me for doing
that can she? I also owe $20 bucks to the petty cash box because
I stole $20 earlier in the week and when my boss reconciled the
petty cash drawer $20 was missing. I told her one of the
patients tried to scam me by giving me a short amount of
money... I have to pay back the $20 a.s.a.p. - which I will.
What should I do when I go into work on Tuesday? Act cool, stick
to my story? Can they fire me for that? Please, I need advice,
thank you.
- Peaches from California
You can get fired for stealing and you can get fired for lying.
You're doing the wrong thing by taking money even if you're
going to put it back. This is a very bad habit, Peaches, and I
suggest you exercise some self control and learn to NOT take
money that doesn't belong to you. All of us wish we could just
reach in and grab $20 from time to time but we don't because
it's the wrong thing to do. You need to catch up with the rest
of us. As far as your job goes, I'm sure you're being watched at
this point whether you know it or not. It's very important to
keep your nose clean from here on out. These people may play
dumb, but they know better. I'm also betting you're a teenager
and this is one of your first jobs. Everyone makes mistakes.
That's part of life. The biggest mistake of all, however, is not
learning from the things you do wrong in the past. Keep it clean
from here on out and you'll be fine. Otherwise you may need to
learn a few difficult and embarrassing lessons...
- The Man
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- I feel like an idiot!! I
met a really awesome guy a week ago and he asked me if I wanted
his phone number. I told him no, but I'd give him mine... He
hasn't called!! Why do you suppose he hasn't called? I know I
was obvious that I was interested (other than not taking his
number) and he seemed pretty obvious too.
- Carol, Age 39 from Washington
I don't jump into every pool just because I stuck my toe in to
check the water. Sometimes people just want to check and see if
they are still sexy. That means flirting with people at bars to
see what their reaction is. I've gotten phone numbers that I had
no intention of ever using. I don't do it often (almost never,
actually) and I certainly don't do it purposely, but I'm not
going to stand here and say it's never happened. If he was
really interested, he'd have probably called. Chalk this one up
to a near miss and stop worrying about it.
- The Man
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- My boyfriend does not
like to perform oral sex on me. Though we have intercourse quite
often, he finds it distasteful to go down on me. He is 49 and
losing his teeth and he is convinced that eating pussy makes his
teeth rot. He seems to be very afraid of what germs may lurk up
there. He also just seems to be "grossed out".
Assuming it is not me (and I am absolutely sure I am sweet and
clean), can my juices rot someone's teeth? (Don't laugh!) And
lastly, what does it say about my chances for a really close
relationship with a guy who won't put his face near my most
personal parts?
- Jennifer, Age 42 from Pennsylvania
Look, this guy doesn't like to eat pussy. It's just that simple,
and he's found an excuse that will work for him. "Sorry
honey, tooth decay". (Jeezus that's funny - I'll have to
remember that one!!) The fact is, you shouldn't start
wondering about yourself just because he's REALLY stretched
reality to get out of this one responsibility. Some guys just
don't like to do it. I've certainly met women who are unwilling
to orally polish my pud. It happens. When you meet someone who's
unwilling to head South, there's really nothing you can do.
That's just the way life is. I don't think it means your
relationship is doomed. It just means that a relationship with
this guy won't include that fringe benefit. I'd STOP putting so
much thought into this. If you haven't already provided life
long entertainment to your dentist by asking him, I'd shelve the
plans.
- The Man
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