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Archives From 02/09/02 --- |
- I never thought I'd do it, but
I'm in a relationship with another woman's man. He really
believes he is in love with both of us. She doesn't know about
us but would be crushed. He can't choose (or won't) and I'm
getting enough out of this to risk losing it to an ultimatum. Is
it possible that you can actually be in love with two people or
are we both headed for disaster?
- Jennifer, Age 26 from Maryland
It's possible to be in love with two people AND you're both
heading for a disaster. You're swinging from a tree that's in
someone else's yard. Stop it. He's taken. You need to respect
that or you're just as big an asshole as he is. Look - we could
all go out and rob banks and get rich but we don't. Do you know
why? Because even though it would be fun to have all that money,
we know it's wrong to take it. It's not ours. When it comes to
love, too many people have an "all's fair in love and
war" default philosophy. They rationalize their way right
into trouble. Quit while you're ahead. You'll be able to start
using the mirror again the moment you admit how wrong this is
and back away.
- The Man
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- My boyfriend of 6 years wants
us to start hanging out with a female friend of his from high
school. I really have no desire... She isn't someone who I would
want to be friends with even if I met her outside of our
relationship. It bothers me that when she sees him she gets all
goo-goo towards him like she is so excited to see him....Yuck! I
know I'm feeling jealous of her. Am I wrong for not going with
him to hang out with her? Maybe I should try and get over these
jealous feelings.
- Laura, Age 26 from Washington
How often does he want to hang out with her? Are we talking once
a week or once a month or what? If he's hanging out with her all
the time, maybe being jealous is justified....? On the other
hand, there's something to be said for good communications in a
relationship. Why not level with him? Tell him you don't like
how she acts around him because it's disrespectful to you, his
girlfriend, when she flirts. Don't hide the fact you're jealous
of her behavior because it won't help anything. Honesty counts.
Besides, he's going to figure that out on his own anyway and
resent you for not being honest about your feelings. Being
tolerant of your boyfriend's female friends is admirable. It
shows trust and it's a mature way to handle yourself. BUT, if
this guy insists on hanging out with a woman who's behavior you
find questionable, then perhaps you've got larger problems that
need sorting out...
- The Man
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-
Hey Answer Man, please help!
I'm 36 and the guy I like is 20. Is this so wrong? How can I get
him to notice me? I have tried everything. I look very good for
36 and he's not "all that" as far as his looks, but
he's so sweet. How do I get him to go out with me? I like him a
lot. I'm desperate. Please help!
- Linda, Age 36 from Alabama
You know the difference between a 20 year old woman and a 36
year old woman? About 5 hours. It takes 5 hours more
coaxing before the 20 year old will give in and have sex. The
nice thing about older women is that they cut through all the
bullshit. You know what I mean, don't you Linda? Most guys
appreciate the 'older woman' encounter not just for the
experience, but because you let us get to sleep at a reasonable
hour! So why don't you apply that same logic here? If you like
the guy, get him into your apartment, and attack! You can
practice over here if you need a dry run - as you know, I'm
always happy to help our my loyal readers!
- The Man
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- My husband sent me an
email three months ago and said he didn't want to be married any
longer. All the reasons he gave were mere excuses more than
anything else. Like for instance, I don't take my shoes upstairs
when I go to sleep at night, I don't get the oil changed in the
car when he sees fit, I don't have 15 orgasms every time we have
sex. The list goes on and on. He's been away for the entire
time. He just told me last night that he was having an affair
with someone he met online.... Apparently this affair hasn't
worked out and now he wants to just waltz back into my life now
that I've stopped crying over him. I have been nothing but
faithful to him throughout our entire courtship and marriage,
which has only been for a year and a half. I'm trying to get
back to my family since he moved me 3,000 miles away from them.
He wants me to go back home, get a home, start a new job and
wait for him. I'm sorry, I think he's asking way too much...
What's your take on this?
- Terri, Age 39 from Colorado
He's asking way too much. I think that about says it all. If
you're over him, then the fat lady has finished singing and he's
hoping for an encore that he hasn't paid for.
- The Man
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- Can you get pregnant when you
have sex in the shower?
- Faj, Age 15 from Ohio
I'm glad you asked. Up until 1992 you couldn't, but then
Congress changed the law and now you can get pregnant anywhere.
Before 1992 you couldn't get pregnant if you had sex in the
shower, a large cardboard box, a classroom, under your brother's
bed or within 17 minutes of eating a Poptart. As a matter of
fact, during the civil war, Southern women couldn't get pregnant
if the man was wearing a blue cap. No one really knows why. It's
a mystery of modern medical science. Anyway, just keep in mind
that if you get poked in the shower, you can still get pregnant.
(Or in other words, Duh!)
- The Man
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- Mr. A man.. please - I need
help. You see, I am 6'3" tall and underweight. My problem
is that I have I big Adams apple. It is easily noticeable and I
feel terribly embarrassed when I am with my friends. I was
wondering if there was a way which could make my Adams apple
less visible. I know u can help.
- Chuck, Age 23 from California
This reminds me of a story I heard some time ago about a young
would-be actor with a large Adams apple. He was also tall and
skinny. As the story goes, he kept persisting in his attempts to
get a job acting but couldn't. One casting director actually
made the comment that his Adams apple was too large, but he kept
trying anyway. Ever heard of a guy named Clint Eastwood?
Your problem isn't with your neck. It's with what's sitting on
top of your neck. Fix that and your other problems will go away.
Women find intelligence, confidence and self esteem attractive,
not the lack of a large Adams apple.
- The Man
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- Do you
have any idea how busy The Answer Man is???! If he doesn't have
time to answer your question, you can always get answers in the
"Ask Each Other" forums from other people just like
you. Click
Here
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- After my boyfriend and I have
sex he says he gets really sad. Is there a reason why he gets
sad after he "cums"? Is this normal? Is there anything
that I can do or that I am doing wrong? What should be done or
what are the reasons this happening? Thank you for your time...I
look forward to your answers.
- Sebrina, Age 18 from Outside the USA
You're quite young. I wouldn't be surprised if you're mistaking
'quiet' for 'upset'. Lots of people change mood the minute sex
is over. That's not unusual. If he's mean to you or if he's
disregarding or ignoring you, then I'd say you might simply be
having sex with the wrong person, but lots of guys just like to
have things kind of quiet when the moment is over. If he's still
sweet to you, but quiet, I wouldn't get too freaked out.
- The Man
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- I met a man on the
Internet and he flew in to meet me. We got along pretty well. He
has e-mailed me with short but meaningful (I think) lines saying
that he can't wait to see me again. I liked him but I held back
on my emotions somewhat because he was a tad distant during the
time we spent together. When men say they can't wait to see you
again, do they mean it? He said this 3 times in e-mails. He used
to call me every couple of weeks and I haven't received one call
since we met. This hurts me. Also he knows that I am involved
with someone and may possibly break it off in the future. The
e-mails versus the absent phone calls confuse me. Any input to
this?
- Jane from Pennsylvania
I think I can shed some light on this. It seems to me that
he's not that into you. If he were, he'd be calling you.
Relationships work out when two people get closer, not farther
apart. He's going the wrong way. That's as plain as day. No
phone calls means he's not into you now that he's met you. On
the other hand, he wants to keep you on hold. Hence the emails.
Emails are emotion free. He can say whatever he wants without
sounding insincere. Since he's not calling you, he's writing to
you and saying things like, "I miss you" and "I
can't wait to see you again". He's either too wishy-washy
to break up with you or he's just keeping you 'on hold' for some
other reason, such as an occasional, loveless encounter. He's
definitely not interested, however, and if I were you, I'd
consider all the evidence you have and drop the guy like an
empty soda can.
- The Man
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- Hey A man! The other night I
was at my boyfriends house and the phone rang. When he answered
it, there was another girls voice on the other line. He hung up
rather quickly. When I asked him who it was, he got all
defensive. He said it must be a telemarketer but it was 8:45 at
night. Is there reason to be suspicious that he is cheating on
me?
- Donna, Age 19 from Maryland
I'd say there's reason to be suspicious. I always look at it
like this: if you have a gut feeling that something isn't going
right, then it's worth considering. Has he done anything else
suspicious? Usually you're not going to get concrete proof that
someone's been cheating or otherwise unfaithful. It's more often
a series of unusual events. Any one of them by itself may not be
that bad, but if there are a number of issues making you wonder
about him (or her, as the case may be), perhaps you should start
thinking about hanging out with someone that makes you feel
secure.
- The Man
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- 2 years ago I started an affair
with a 24 year old guy who's best described as a player. I am
now 31 and out of the marriage. The 24 year old has been in and
out of my life (by his choice, not mine). I feel totally in love
with him but here's the thing: The first few times we had sex it
was great. So exciting and illicit and all that good shit. But
after that, the times we've attempted sex he loses his erection
like 1 minute into it. I have only been with one other man (my
husband) for over 10 years and never had any complaints from him
about our sex. The 24 year old guy has been with probably
hundreds of women. I feel completely inadequate in bed, like a
virgin who doesn't know what she's doing. He says he doesn't
even want to attempt sex anymore because he obviously doesn't
satisfy me. That's not it at all. If he'd maintain an erection,
I'd be satisfied. He says that we just don't "click"
sexually, and it must be me. I was devastated and humiliated
when I heard that. All I want to do if fuck him silly but I am
paralyzed by the thought that he isn't attracted to me. What do
you think the problem is?
- Maggie, Age 31 from Louisiana
Maybe you just don't click sexually, but his contention that
it's your fault is silly. He's the guy with the problem, and he
sounds like a dick for shifting the blame. The fact is, you may
not be able to excite everyone you come across. After you've had
sex a few times, things change and you become more comfortable.
That comfort can lead to a better sex life, or in some cases a
worse one. To me, this sounds like a simple case of
incompatibility. It sucks, I know, but being that he's been in
and out of your life by his own accord, he probably is not as
attracted to you as you are to him. It happens to everyone.
Don't let it slow you down. One other thing: If this guy had an
easy time getting to know and falling in love with women, he
wouldn't have slept with so many of them. Sounds like he's got
commitment issues. It's a totally normal thing for a guy like
that to have sex a few times then move on. Be glad you're not
the same way.
- The Man
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- Hey. I dated this guy for 2
years and for the first year and a half it was really great, but
the last 6 months were kind of bad. We broke up about a year
ago, and we were pretty much off and on for the whole time. But
either I was dating someone when he wanted me back, or he was
dating someone when I wanted him back. I wasn't very sexual when
we were together, but have since found my own sexuality in a
sense. I want him back, at least sexually. What is the best way
to seduce, and attract a man? Do I tell him straight up, or wear
a very revealing out fit, send him a sexual letter? What? Please
help.
- Sarah, Age 20 from Colorado
Whatever you do, you need to make sure you feel comfortable
doing it. While it's important to try things and take risks, I
think it's also important to know ahead of time that you're at
least in the ballpark with respect to your actions. In other
words, if you want to send him a sexy note, you should at least
know he's not going to freak out when he gets it. As a guy, I
think I'd prefer it if I were invited by my quarry for a
cocktail. Nothing loosens things up like a little alcohol. It's
worked for us guys since they invented the stuff. If he's into
fooling around, after a couple Mai Tais it's going to be very
easy to close the deal.
- The Man
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- Hey there. I am a single mother
of a 2 1/2 year old daughter. I have been single for almost a
year now and I am lonely. Don't get me wrong I love my daughter,
but it is not easy to get out and meet new people. I have yet to
make contact with any men who seem interested in dating a single
mom. When out with my friends the only guys we meet tend to be
players or guys just looking for the next party. I am looking
for someone a bit more down to earth and responsible. Maybe we
are going to the wrong places, do you have any tips, or is it
just plain impossible to find what I am looking for?
- Jessica, Age 28 from Massachusetts
Sounds like a simple case of "you're going to all the wrong
places". There are nice guys out there who would be happy
to date a single mom. Of course if you're meeting 25 year old
(and younger) guys then you're already limiting your chances. I
always felt the best way to meet people was through a mutual
contact, if possible. Going to more friendly gatherings at
people's homes, work get togethers and similar events where
people you already know and trust show up with their friends is
a good way to meet people. Getting set up by friends is also
okay. Basically, anything where there's a referral. Going to
bars and night-spots, using the Internet and other similarly
shady ways of meeting people is a very BAD way to find dates.
- The Man
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- Listen to The
Man's 10 Minute Internet Talk Show, built for your coffee break.
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- I'm seriously thinking about
having a threesome with my boyfriend and another women. I think
it would be a great experience for both of us but am afraid of
all the "what ifs". I also don't know how to go about
finding the right candidate. Any advise would be appreciated.
- Shawnie, Age 32 from Florida
Advice on having a threesome or finding the right candidate?
Here's the advice on a threesome. Try it before you get married.
If things are going to fall apart afterwards, you're best bet is
find out before things get too serious. As far as finding the
right candidate, that's a tough one. Usually that kind of thing
can be done at a night spot for the simple reason that the venue
lends itself to you three hanging out together. You get to meet
this third person as a couple rather then individually. Doing it
with a friend is another avenue, but is similarly risky - you
may not be so happy to hang out with 'her' after the big event.
I'd say overall, err on the side of caution unless you really
don't care or unless you're really sure everything is going to
be just fine after you do it.
- The Man
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- I am dating an older man. He is
47 and I am 18. I pursued him after knowing him for a couple of
years. I love him more than anything in the world, and I want to
be with him forever. We have an excellent (and healthy)
relationship. I am preparing to tell my parents. How should I go
about with it to make sure they know that I am very serious, and
completely in love?
- Elizabeth, Age 18 from New Hampshire
Here's the problem. You're so young and clueless about life
there's really no way to make them understand your point of
view. You see, they will understand the whole love thing, but
that's not enough. There's more to making intelligent
life-decisions then just LOVE. Love is important, but 50% of a
smart decision is only halfway. First of all, what kind of guy
is this jackass who's banging a girl he met when he was 45 and
she was 16? While it's not illegal, being that you're now 18 and
can now make your own mistakes, it's very unusual and will be
looked down upon. This guy should have told you he was flattered
by your advances, but that you deserve to be with someone
younger. He should never have gotten together with you in the
first place. Young people like you fall in love all the time.
Then you assume that it's true love and that you'll be together
always. It happens every day. I get emails all the time from
girls who SWEAR they are in true love. We older people know
better. That's why we make laws to protect minors from guys like
the man you're now dating and that's why we as a society
generally encourage people to avoid relationships with age gaps
as wide as this. Frankly, you're just following your heart, but
this guy your with is old enough to know better. That's what
makes him a bad person in the eyes of people like your parents
who will probably strongly disapprove of this relationship. I'd
strongly suggest you do yourself a favor and drop this guy.
There's no way in hell it's going to work out. He's planning for
retirement right now and you're still remembering the details of
the tiff you got into with your girlfriend at Prom. See?
- The Man
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- Dear Man, My husband and I have
been together for ten years. After years of practice we have a
great sex life at least from my point of view. I make sure to
tell him when he is doing a good job so he will know what I
like, but I can't get him to tell me what he likes. He says he
likes everything I do but I don't believe him. Honestly, no one
is that good. How can I get him to talk to me?
- Jodi, Age 27 from Maine
No need to invent problems. Frankly, some people really ARE
happy with what they have. Perhaps he just appreciates having
you as his lovely wife. If it's not broken, don't mess with it.
See what I mean? If your man is satisfied with your sex life,
which sounds healthy to me, then accept it as one of the great
things about your marriage and relax with a smile when the
lights go out.
- The Man
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- Hey The Man, I have an internet
relationship. I live in Massachusetts and she lives in Canada. I
love her very much and she loves me too. We talk a lot and
express our feelings. She is everything I have ever wanted and
more. The problem is we live so far away. I love her and if I
lost her I would never ever find someone as nice, kind, and
beautiful as her. In my internet relationship I have encountered
a lot of problems and criticism. First, my 18 yr old sister is
making fun of me witch really hurts my feelings even though I
know she's a bitch. Second I made a lot of money to plan a trip
to see her this summer but my mother said yes than said no and I
have everything setup but know I can't go. Third my family is
purposely trying to brake up this relationship by screwing with
letters, the computer, and my friends. What should I do? Give it
all up live a crappy life without the one person that I have
ever loved, or stick with her 2 years more until October 2003
when I'm 18 and drive up and never look back? [Take into note
that I REALLY REALLY REALLY love her.]
- Charles, Age 16 from Massachusetts
Charles, please, you're killing me. You're 16. Saying she's all
you've ever wanted is comical. How you could have had time to
want anything else? I put this email here so you could read
Jodi's (see above). She, like you, is confused into thinking
that being in love is a license to do stupid things. In fact,
that seems to be a common theme this issue. I don't mean to be
insulting. I just want to impress upon you that being in love is
okay, but situations like yours are so off the beaten path, they
involve great risk. I totally understand your parents for not
letting you go, for instance. What kind of a mom and dad would
you have if they let you get on a plane to Somewhere, Canada to
go bang some internet relationship girl that they've never even
met? That could be considered child endangerment for god's sake.
Frankly, the fact that you're too preoccupied thinking about
your girl and resenting your family's attempts to set you
straight belies the fact that you're not ready to make adult
decisions. If you were, you'd be more sympathetic to your
family's attempts to protect your from yourself. Do yourself a
favor. Chill. When you get to college you're not going to
remember this girl's name. You're 16. Girls that you
"love" will come and go for the next 10 of 15 years
before you finally settle down. Give yourself a chance by not
making stupid decisions now.
- The Man
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- Dear Answer Man, This man
really chased me and I finally gave in and gave him my phone
number. He never called. Then three months later he called and
we set a date but he stood me up. When I confronted him he said
he forgot about the date. Then we made another date and he
called and canceled that too. Then I called him back that same
night and he said not to ever call him again. So I didn't...
Then he came to my work place and flirted with me like nothing
ever happened. Then we made another date and he stood me up
again. Now I will never go out with him. I am just wandering
what his motives are... Is he crazy or what???
- Becky, Age 31 from Missouri
Hi Becky. I laughed when I read your question. He's not crazy.
You are. I would have written this chump off after he stood you
up the very fist time. I'm amazed at how much you put up with!
Don't let anyone treat you that way. This man will never, under
ANY circumstance, have any respect for you. I would have nothing
to do with him. By the way, he sounds like someone who would
easily lie to you regarding his feelings, his intentions and
anything else. He's a total jerk. Kick his butt out to the curb
if he shows up again. Don't give him the opportunity to snow you
any more, because he'll try. This is the worst kind of guy and
you should steer clear.
- The Man
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